24 April 2009

Mama's House - ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Damn, I missed My Blog!!!

I've been wanting to write, and wanting to write and wanting to write and finally, tonight - I stumbled into the perfect storm of free time, access to my laptop, being awake, and something bugging the hell out of me.

No, not the TEA Baggers - I'll get to them tomorrow...

I was just told that this 31 year old guy I know just went out and bought a brand new Mercedes. That by itself is not a bad thing, the bad part is that he still lives at home with MAMA.

I have been hearing so many stories of grown-ass men, mainly Black Men, but I believe that is largely because of the circles I travel in, being well into their 30's and still living at home WITH MAMA. Some even live with MAMA and DADDY, so they can't even say "I'm just looking out for my mom."

There is a 47 year old guy at my job who PROUDLY still lives at his mother's house. I know a 44 year old guy who still lives with his dad and his dad's new wife. I know a 27 year old guy that trots around his parents house carefree like he's 16 and trying to borrow the car keys. I know a 35 year old guy that makes over $90K a year and isn't thinking about leaving home. He's quick to declare that he gives his parents $430 a month. Uh, last time I checked - there were no apartments in the city for $430 a month, so that, combined with the fact that he makes over $90K a year makes him one cheap bastard, one VERY cheap bastard.

What the hell is this about?

I'm going to go ahead and put a little of my family business out there. I have two brothers that are well into their 30's and they are well set to stay at MOM and DAD's house until somebody dies. Honestly, it is that fact that makes me visit my parents less and less. They sit back and accept the fact, almost welcome the fact that these two are just never going to leave home and I just can't grasp that logic.

My mother often says that she knows that my brother X is going to meet a good woman and get married. I've tried to tell her that most Sister's in their 30's that are about anything - have their own places and their own money and they want to go places and do things and enjoy life with a man that is doing his thing, being his own man, LIVING IN HIS OWN PLACE, and not collecting video games and DVD's in his mom's basement. I told her that no self respecting woman is going to want anything serious with a man that has to take her to a motel or a hotel everytime he wants to be close to her. Most women are not going to want to sit in the basement of their 35 year old boyfriend's parent's house on Friday and watch movies. I tried to reason with her to push my brother's into grown-manhood. She declined, said nothing was wrong with them living 'at home' and said that they would leave when they were ready. Then she got a little mad at me so I cut my losses.

I've tried talking to my brothers, well sort of, brother Y and me aren't that close, so we just stay cordial with each other, and brother X always seems to breeze past my suggestions that maybe he needs to get an apartment or something. I think to him, there is nothing to be gained by having your own place, and I guess he expects my parents to live another 50 years and just take care of the house they live in. I try to school him sometimes but he ignores me, he always seems to have some story about how this 'girl' he met at the mall... I'm sorry, he calls women 'fee-males' now... so he'll tell me about how some 'fee-male' he met at the mall is trippin' and won't return his calls.

Sure, maybe I'm being a d*ck, or maybe I'm getting into other folks' business, but to me, I care about my brothers and I care about my parents and I think it's time for my 30+ year old brothers to become independent men and learn to live on their own. Especially my brother X, he is such a nice guy and has such a great heart - I just wish he would mature some and get his own place and try to see the world beyond that little 20 square miles he almost refuses to leave.

But, enough about my brothers - I have been coming across more and more men that live with Mom'an'em. It's funny to me, because I've often wondered how these men present their living situations to women they meet. There is no way I could imagine being 34 again and telling some gorgeous woman, "Yeah, I live on the westside at my mom and dad's house. It's cool, my mom does my laundry on weekends." As fate would have it, I was talking to a guy who was telling me about a buddy of his that makes almost six figures a year and still lives with mommy and daddy. I said, "He still lives with his Mom?" He told me this - exactly, "Yeah, yeah, he lives out there with his people." I said, "His mom and dad?" Again he replied, "Yeah, with his people." So I concluded that maybe that is the cool term to describe living at home with mom and 'em - 'I live with my people." I guess that works.

I think I find myself bothered by the whole 'grown man living with his mom' phenomenon because it seems to be growing and spreading. I believe too many of these 'men' are missing the crucial maturing aspect that comes with being self sufficient. Many of these men are making children of their own who are living with their mama's while daddy refuses to make strides to either marry mama or at least make a Daddy's home for their children. We are in enough of a predicament now with well over half of all Black children being born to single mothers - allowing grown, healthy men to just live at home and sleep in the same bedroom they had when they were 4 years old is insane to me. Insane and crippling in the long run.

Absolutely nuts-



Mizrepresent said...

Bravo! I applaud this post, and for the life of me can't understand what's going here with our men? Had this same discussion just yesterday with my fam...Men just don't want the responsibilty of being men anymore. I was glad to hear my nephew step up and say what everyone women wants to hear..."I am meant to to take care of my woman...i just can't see no woman taking of me." Well suffice it to say there are a lot of mama's boys who live with their mom's and a lot of them looking to move in with a women and be content to be taken care of...and not vice-versas. This is indeed a sad state of affairs, and you are right, no self-respecting, forward thinking woman in her right mind would entertain a relationship with a GROWN AZZ man still living at MAMA'S HOUSE!

great post and welcome back

Anali said...

You're back!!!! I had given up hope! It's good to see you and great post. As much as I know it's a big problem with black men, I think it's a growing problem with all men. I won't say much more, because I don't want call anyone out. ; )

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey MIZREPRESENT, glad to see your face again! We need a million [or more] Brothers with your nephew's attitude. I just don't what these guys are thinking!

Hey Anali, thank you too for dropping a comment. I'm really curious about what is causing all of these males to just REFUSE to be self sufficent. Forget SWINE FLU, this is the REAL PANDEMIC!!!!

: )

bustabitch said...

In the Caribbean this is quite common and almost expected that the children live with their parents until they are married.

But I am with you on that, I would not be interested in a man who was living at home with his mother, unless it was his house and he was supporting his mother.

Nance said...

Welcome back! You've been missed. Regarding this issue: I don't get it, and I don't get any woman who would put up with it unless she's looking for a meal ticket, too. The abdication of responsibility and the sense of entitlement among some people are just incredible. I would feel sorry for the parents, but I wonder if they aren't just perpetuating it for their own sense of security and companionship? It seems like classic co-dependency to me.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hey there!

This is interesting...

A male adult does NOT EQUAL a man.

We all recognize this.

Anyone who is making $90K and gives his parents $430 is using them...and they are allowing it.

It's fine that you mentioned to your mom that you feel they should be on their own but it's HER CRIB so she can make her own decisions. Some times, the parents just can't emotionally cut those mommy ties and see them go because their OWN identity is wrapped up in their children's success in life.

As for how these men present themselves... they make up all kinds of lies...

A brotha will say that his mother was hospitalized and he gave up his apartment to care for her when she was released and now that she's better, she doesn't want him to leave!

He will say that their parents are on a fixed income and don't have the money for all essentials so they asked him to move him.

I have heard all of the lies about brothas who are still living with mama.

It's a darn shame....

The larger issue is the self-definition of manhood that these guys validate... their definition of manhood DOES NOT include the requirement of self-sufficiency and independence. Bottom line.

Girl of a thousand names, including Sister P said...

Good to see you TTBM!
I guess I'm the lone voice of dissent. I'm used to that though, LOL.

With the proper parenting, living at home until married is fine.

Living at home should encourage abstinence, saving money, and many other things. Again, proper parenting. If the parents let the man bring women there to spend the night etc. that's foul and shows he wasn't raised properly the first 30 years and should go.

As parents age, they become targets of thieves and robbers and you are there to monitor them. I could go on and on about the benefits. The man could save enough to pay cash for a home with parents quarters and move the folks with him. I know a brother who did that. His parents have a semi-apartment in his home with 4 other bedrooms including his own master suite. He's 45 and still looking for a woman who appreciates his family tradition of caring for your parents.

He's not creepy. Cause you know I'd say so! LOL...he's charming and normal (just not physically attractive and lives in a busted little town if you're wondering why he's still single)

Overall, in the "right" circumstance this is OK. The ones you mentioned, seem to be borderline dependency related issues.

I think we have to be VERY careful though of assigning traits to "manhood". Any one who is the least bit different has his manhood challenged in this society before we even consider why he is going against the grain.

butterflycovergirl said...

Like a pandemic is Right! No Man of sound Mind makes the decision to Stay with parents past the age of 23. To me even if they are in college they can still work and sustain themselves independently on a low salary. This is where our men are they are living with Mamma in most cases! I know so many that are living like this. The time clock runs out when they are almost 40 and the quality woman are gone. This Leaves the woman that resemble Fat Bastard with esteem issues to house them with their millions of children.

Keith said...

I agree with mos of everyone but especially Ms. P......I to come from a family that believes in this tradition. Now I live by myself but hav been thinking about moving back home for a few months to get sum overwhelming bills put to rest & go to school until its time to transfer outa state. The main problem however is that I'm 26 & greatly luv my freedom & understand how that looks to a fine sista that your back home with quote "Mama". So I'm currently at a crossroads right now & would luv so ppls input on my problem.

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