16 February 2007

Married to THE BOSS...

When I was single. I looked at marriage as something that either WOULD or WOULDN'T happen. That's about it. I didn't expect to die if it did happen and I didn't expect to die if didn't. I just figured that things would happen as they were supposed to.

Okay, so now I'm married. I'm happy. I'm very happy. I love my wife, my kids and my life.

But that's me.

On the other hand, most of my close buddies are married - in fact, most of the guys I associate with are married, but SOME of their circumstances leave me scratching my head.

To me, in my humble little opinion, a man and a woman should get married when they TRULY love and respect each other. They are ready to make an honest commitment of fidelity to each other, they are willing to share their lives with each other and they are generally ready to try and make each other happy for [hopefully] many many years to come. That's it - nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering.

However, some of the marriages I have seen, with emphasis on SOME, leave me scratching my head.

Now, I'm talking mainly about the guys here. I'm not a woman, so I'm not going to pretend to claim that I fully understand a woman's perspective on marriage, but with some of the guys I know, I just don't understand things.

ONE GUY - is scared of his wife. Scared like a little boy is towards his mama. He has to get advanced permission (PERMISSION) from his wife before he does anything short of going to work. He doesn't "check" with her to make sure his plans don't conflict with hers or with the family as a whole. He has to go ask, "Honey, I want to go shoot pool with the guys on Saturday. Can I go?" And his wife - knowing she has the power - she tells him, "Maybe. I'll see how you act during the week." And, I'm NOT JOKING. HE comes back to us with this lil'sad puppy look and basically puts our plans on hold pending approval from MAMA. There is no way a grown man should need to be married to a MAMA. This drives me absolutely insane!

ANOTHER BUDDY - of mine, is so afraid that his wife will ask him for some time to herself if she allows him to go out with us - that he just doesn't even hang out with us anymore. I'm not sure, but I think he's so insecure that he is afraid that if he goes to a game with us and gets four hours of "time with the guys" that his wife will DEMAND four hours "with the girls" and during these four hours - she MAY NOT be with the girls... she could be CHEATING on him! To him, I just want to ask - "If you are so worried about your wife's fidelity, why even be married? And besides - if she's going to cheat on you, she's NOT going to wait until "Girls Night Out" - she's going to do what she wants WHENEVER she wants. Adultery knows no working hours - it's an around-the-clock industry!

THEN - I have the one buddy who just gets scared when he hangs out with us. We're not doing ANYTHING to be worried about or concerned over. We're either at the movies, or playing poker, or shooting pool, or checking out a game or just hanging out shootin' the breeze. We DON'T do it all the time - once or twice a month at the maximum. We make sure we spend ample time with our wives and our kids and we give our wives time to themselves too - very NORMAL stuff I think - but this one guy just gets so scared when we hang out sometimes. It's as if he thinks his wife WANTS him sitting up under her ALL night. We think she enjoys the time to herself more than him, but he feels like he is doing something wrong by leaving home for a few hours. Why bother?

I could really go on and on about some of the uh, interesting [insane] things I have seen my buddies put up with; subject themselves to; punish themselves for; and ask for more of... but it just drives me crazy!

Marriage shouldn't be painful. It shouldn't be a furtherance of childhood control by a parent figure. It shouldn't be a surrendering of your freedom to another. It shouldn't be something that makes you less than you are and it shouldn't be something that takes the joy from your spirit.



Gunfighter said...

Man... I think this is spreading!

This sounds like so many of the guys I work with, it isn't even funny.

Like you, I don't make plans without making sure that we aren't cross-scheduling... but PERMISSION?

And about the dude who is afraid his wife will cheat if she goes out with the guirls.... anybody can do ANYthing if they want. It doesn't have to happen at happy hour.

Talk about insecurity...

The Thinking Black Man said...


How's it going Brother? Slip-Sliding around like me I'm sure!

Tonight is poker night, so that's why all this wimpy husband non-sense is on my mind! We still don't know if we're having 4 players or 7 because of this Wimpy Husband Syndrome.

So, you know guys that are doing this stuff too, huh?

What is this all about, I wonder?

SlapHappy Gemini said...

Yo, you said 'wimpy husband syndrome'...ha ha ha. That's going down in the archives for sure! I recently had a conversation with a few married guys at work, and I was aghast to hear how some of those grown-ass, working men get an allowance from their spouse. An allowance!...I didn't get an allowance when I was a kid, so there's no way in Chinese Monkey Hell I'll be subjected to such emasculation as a man. My view on marriage is much like you described; it should be something that two whole people can benefit from by mutually loving, and honoring, and cherishing one another. But then again, what do I know? Maybe that's why I'm still single....

Gunfighter said...

Trust me when I tell you, that my wife keeps our social calendar... what we are doing with our daughter, church activities, school happening, Girl Scouts, etc... but I think tha thtere is a vast difference between those things and asking for permission to anything else.

Damn... she is my wife, not my mother.

Anali said...

I'm not married, so I don't know how much I can comment, but I don't understand the whole parenting style of marriage. I think it's good to have some alone time and time with your friends. I don't see how one person can be everything in your life.

I understand checking in, but not needing permission. And if you think that every time your spouse leaves the house they are cheating on you, then why would you want to stay married to them? I mean if they are out all night, that's one thing, but just normal going out???

t-HYPE said...

One of my girlfriends is married to a "man #3" and believe me, it's just as annoying to her as it is to you.

I don't think they're going to make it. When your wife says, "I thought you were out having fun with your friends. Why are you calling me?" it's not a good sign...

CreoleInDC said...

You're right...marriage shouldn't be painful and we should be thankful that ours isn't.

*waving* HEY TTBM!

CreoleInDC said...

You're right...marriage shouldn't be painful and we should be thankful that ours isn't.

*waving* HEY TTBM!

Black Chick Thinking said...

I ♥ this entry, actually sent it over to a girlfriend or two who have these hubby problems.Nice post!

onefromphilly said...

Just in case you were wondering, YOU have the normal marriage. And I'm speaking from a woman's view. Your 3 friends are trippin!!! Putting collars (self imposed or not)on a spouse like any of those three situations leads to cheating. Restrictions always cause rebellion

Tasha said...

I always hear women calling their husbands their other child. That's joke-worthy but only to a point. There's no need to treat your spouse that way, nor should you be quaking in your boots when you see her.

Maybe I'm thinking too hard, but this seems to be a problem with a number of black women. I am left to wonder if this subset of black women spent so many of their formative years learning how to be strong independent career women and mothers that they never learned how to be a wife.

Theo J. said...

Good post. I agree, a man shouldn't have to be afraid of his wife in that way. I joke about asking permission, but I ask out of common courtesy and I expect the same from her. Respect is a two-way street. There's no reason to be scared of each other.

The Thinking Black Man said...


Yeah, I'm with you - I've seen the guys that fork over every penny of their salary and then Mama... uh, the Missus' gives them a few dollars for the week.

It's one thing, to deposit money in the house hold bank account for family and living expenses, but when a guy takes the childlike positon of waiting for his allowance from Mommy, I have to shake my head.'

GUNFIGHTER! Yeah, man - I left Mama back at home when I set out to become a man. When I got married, I was looking for a wife!

-You know ANALI, I think that when some people get married, they feel as though they STOP being who they are. They are no longer BOB or DAVE or LISA... they become TINA'S husband, KEVIN'S wife... they just become a title.

They feel like having friends and having a good time WITHOUT their title-holder is a bad thing and something that should be avoided, like is wrong or something. It's crazy.

Hey T-HYPE I'm laughing at your comment, but sadly I agree. They'll be headed to divorce court before long and she'll be heading to the police station for a Restraining Order!!!

Hey Big Sis' CREOLEINDC! I thank God everyday for not having this kind of insane drama in my marriage! I have a good buddy of mine and his marriage [like mine - I'd like to believe] is made up of TWO normal and secure individuals, that are solidly joined in marriage but still have typical lives as individuals. You just don't STOP being an individual when you say I do. Do you?

Thank you BLACK CHIC THINKING! I actually wanted to add on about 4 MORE stupid things insecure husbands do, but I didn't want to get a rock thrown through my window!!!

Thanks for assuring me that I was normal. I was starting to wonder if I was doing something wrong... you know - trusting my wife; having my friends; and not being scared to let her have HER friends and all.

I love the comment "Restrictions always cause rebellion" I'll have to remember that one.

Hey TASHA! What's going on?

That's a good point you raise. I halfway wonder if some women that tend to be stronger and more controlling seek out more docile and obedient men to marry?

That's a really good point.

I'm really going to think about that. It's definately something going on here, and I'm not sure what. When I talk to these guys, they don't come off as weak or whupped - but the minute something comes up that involves time and "checking in on the family schedule" these guys CHANGE. You can almost see them go into a shell and either begin to hide or begin to "lay the groundwork for the bail-out"

"Laying the groundwork..." to me, is when they start adding little comments like, "Oh, I should be able to make the game if my mother won't need me to take her to the airport..." or my favorite, "I think my wife's family is coming in town that weekend." : )

What's up THEO J?

Absolutely man. I jokingly call my wife the Colonel or the General depending on my mood. But it is always tongue-in-cheek. God knows what she calls me!

But we have a respect for each other... we make our family time our first priority and then we make sure we BOTH have time to get out from under each other have our time to do what we want alone or with friends... like you said - it's about courtesy and respect. Thanks for the comment!

Ridwan Laher said...

I really enjoyed reading your posts here in very hot South Africa (yep you made me think too).

Can't comment too much on the married friend thing cause I'm still single (and happy) at 42 ;)

But, I really identified with your comments on race and the media (advert of dancing Black youth).

As a Howard alum it is also nice to keep up on your thoughts/experiences in DC.

Thanks for blogging.

Peace and struggle,


The Thinking Black Man said...


Welcome Brother and thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and leave me a comment. ESPECIALLY such a postive one from so far away.

The people that read this blog and take a few moments to share their thoughts simply humble me. I'm glad to add you to that list.

Peace unto you-
Fight the power-


Ridwan Laher said...

Thank you for adding me to your blogger roll. I will do the same for your blog and then it is time to turn in (being that it is 2am in S. Africa).

Be well Brother.

Peace and struggle,

Heavenly Zeta said...

Dear Lord, I'd have run from any of these guys you mentioned in your post! Too bad there isn't a "Real Man" drop squad or something to "re-educate" these brothers!

B. Good said...

How were these men before they got married? How did they behave? Something tells me, not much has "changed". They were probably scared and running behind their girlfriends (future wives) since way back when......no?

And if not, I wonder what caused the switch. Could it have been the notion of "marriage" alone? Hmmmm......

Lola Gets said...

Im single (ok divorced, but that was loong ago), and I need my time alone, so I dont begrudge a man his. If mates let each other do things that make them happy, then theyll be happier mates; think about it!

But yeah, Ive seen some couples who had so many issues, I wanted to ask them why they were together, lol. But I keep my mouth shut!


Bedwetter said...

You all sound so young. I used to be like you but over the years she has just worn me down. I am actually really happy since I stopped resisting. I do act immaturely like a child. She has become my parent. Some time ago, I was irresponsible with my credit cards and had them taken away. She came to my rescue with a debit card for children. Ditto the internet. Now I have Net Nanny on my computer. Ditto email, I'm on "Kidmail" Ditto the television, parental controls. Last year she told me that she didn't feel like the consequences she was giving me were effective and since I was acting like a child, she would begin spanking me. I had immages of hot naughty sex but reality is she uses her hairbrush over her knee on my bare bottom and there is nothing pleasant about it.But...I'm really, really happy. Go figure.