24 September 2006

Alternatives - to giving love a bad name...

A few posts ago I wrote about women who give LOVE a bad name. These women allow themselves to be neglected by the men they think they love. These women [and some men] allow themselves to be continually mistreated because they think love justifies the abuse heaped upon them.

Then fellow blogger Evia said...

"I can appreciate that this irks you because it beyond irks me , but can you present some alternatives for these sistas?"

I think the alternatives to allowing ones-self to be another persons doormat, lies within the person themselves.

FIRST and FOREMOST women have to get a grip on the whole self-esteem issue! It wasn't until recent years that I began to understand just how big self-esteem is to women. I think women with low to no self esteem will allow men to emotionally dog them and drag them down into the gutter. These women use men and mens affections to find VALIDATION in themselves. Women, please stop this bullsh*t. Yeah, its easy for me to say, I'm a guy. But, my gender aside - I know I am somebody special without a woman on my arm! Look in the mirror and say the same thing about yourself!!!

If you are reading this and are saying, "Oh, you just don't understand. It's hard to have high self esteem..." To you I say, stop making excuses, lift that damn chin of yours up and declare that you are worthy! Say that sh-t out loud 20 times if you need to! But, you have to bring it into being and you have to do it yourself!

And if you find yourself involved with people that want to step on your self esteem once you've built it up - say to them, "I don't need you and I don't need this!"

You don't need anybody in your life that is not holding a watering can and a spade when they come to see you!

Now, let me explain that: See, your self esteem is like a rose bush that you have planted and watched grow for years and years. The people you let into your life have to interact with this rose bush. You will find some that want to clip and cut your blooms and others that just want to trample into it - these are the negative people... you kick these people in the ass and get them out of your life, they do NOTHING good for your self esteem. Then on the other hand, you have the people with the watering can and the spade - they always add some water to the bush's roots and they always sprinkle a little fertilizer at the base of your bush. You keep these people around because they keep your self esteem healthy and upright!

Before I got married, I had my fair share of dates. When I wasn't dating or didn't have a girlfriend - I still had MYSELF, a valid, decent, caring and compassionate person. Everyone has to find the qualities that make you a valid person to yourself. Ain't no man in the world gonna' make you anymore valid with his presence than your are without it! This whole "You complete me" bullsh*t that Tom Cruise dropped in 'Jerry McGuire' - it sounded great in the movie and it was real smooth when he used it, but ladies - that was HOLLYWOOD, and you all live in the real world! That concept is bullsh*t, nothing more.

If you are not complete before you meet your man, you never will be complete!

If you are walking around thinking that you need a man to complete you, and then you find a man and you foolishly think that you are complete, and your man leaves, dies or divorces you... you will find yourself in a world of sh*t because now you will be incomplete again. This is why I say the 'you complete me' concept is bullsh*t. Ladies, you complete yourselves! Don't use a man to validate yourself!

Another alternative to 'Giving Love a Bad Name' is to stop 'needing' your man, ladies. Yeah - STOP NEEDING YOUR MAN!!! No REAL man wants to be needed! We want to be WANTED! When you ladies NEED a man, what you are doing is you are putting your life in his hands. You are putting your physical and mental and emotional essence in his hands and demanding that he not drop you! And when he drops you, you lie there at his feet for him to pick up and reassemble as he sees fit. That's why we see these broken women allowing their 'men' to treat them like crap, they have been emotionally dropped by their men and their men have put them back together in a weaker and needier format built around the man and his WANTS. Thus these women allow themselves to be dogged and to be playthings.

Ladies, if you don't WANT your man, then don't be with him.It IS as simple as that.

How can you tell a WANT from a NEED. Try this...
WANTS make life better, NEEDS make you live.

You NEED air to breathe, without it you die:
Don't NEED your man, because you may do stupid things just to keep him for fear of emotional death.

You WANT icing on your cake, sweeter cake tastes better:
A good, loving man holding your hand on a sandy beach, makes the beach a little nicer. He accents the beach, he doesn't make it sandy and warm.

The man you WANT will more than likey be a good person and the best person to protect your heart.

Building your own self esteem, being a complete person alone and wanting what is best for your heart will prepare you for the true love you desire and it will show you the power and greatness of love. It will not bring you the abused and painful love of those who know not what it is.



Anali said...

I agree 100%! The problem is that until someone is really ready to hear this, it may not make sense beyond a surface kind of understanding. It will not resonate on a deeper level that can be used to take action.

tickledpinkies said...

I think this whole concept of having self esteem can also apply to men who get trampled on too. Ive met quite a few so its not just a female phenomenon:p

I know older women who have told me the whole "love yourself before you can love anyone else" Is a load of crap. I live my life to this effect and find it easy to weed out the weak from the chaff.
I put up a screen now as I know that everyone goes through their lessons in life and they will learn it when they are concious enough.
One of my friends who I love more than anything called me once saying that her boyfriend had hit her and he did do it again quite a few times and treated her like s**t. I dont think I ever told her to leave him primarily because I knew she wouldnt until she was ready and this was part of the process of growth to her.

Apparently outsiders in a relationship like family and friends can suss it out before the people actually in it!
People like you and Evia are strong in spirit and I believe that people get this at different stages of their lives.
Many women pick crap boyfriends because of the type of men present in their childhoods. Having a mother who stands by a cheating, beating man has a negative effect on what children believe a womans role is.

I am eternally thankful for my bad experience at 17 because after looking at it (as consious people do:) I saw all the lessons I was meant to learn from it and why it was essential to my growth. It pushed me to go to college, actually think about having a career and to be happy in myself and to see me happy with or without a guy.

When I started my el. with my guy I kept on feeling I didnt love him because it didnt feel the same as my ex.
Then I realised the love with my ex was so exiting because he never f**kin called me, he wasnt reliable and he lied! When someone never calls you and then they do of course your exited, you get the "buzz" women are forever talking about.

Angel said...

I agree with you...but of course what you say is easier said then done. What is self-esteem? it's a sense and knowing one's worth and value. If someone grew up feeling that they didnt matter and witnessed abuse in their families, they may strive to change it in their own lives by hopefully seeking healthier relationships, but they just may not have the internal tools or know how to go about changing. Obviously it must not be that easy to enpower oneself cause there are so many abusive relationships out there. Maybe we should look at the abuser as well, why do they feel the need to control and overpower those that are complacent, or weaker in mind and spirit? Why do they feel the need to kick someone when they're already down? cause they can? Where is the selfcontrol for the abuser.

How do little children learn to cope and escape their childhood abuse? Sadly more times than not, they enter into similar relationships when older.

If not anything else, you've openned up a discussion that affects so many people.

Evia said...

TBM, great topic!

Black women especially and many other women too are PROGRAMMED to shortchange themselves and allow men to use and abuse them. This program was created and it is also reinforced by the various societal institutions of the patriarchial system we live under.

It's a very insidious program that starts with many young black females while they are toddlers or sooner. I don't know much about the inside workings of the program that other races and groups of women get, but I know a lot about the program that a typical AA female gets. I've noticed this all of my life. I rejected the program and of course, I've been penalized for rejecting it, but let me describe the program a bit.

This is an example of how it happens and please just imagine this happening in many different ways to a young black girl as she’s growing up--thousands of times over.

I was sitting in church 2 weeks ago and the black male minister, a very popular, handsome, charming black man, was preaching. He mentioned his wife who was sitting in the first pew and talked about what a wonderful woman she is. (His wife is a professional woman.) He then went on to say that when they met, he didn’t have anything–that he was running around acting crazy, partying all night and sleeping all day, didn’t want to work or go to school or do the right thing “BUT she stuck by me,” he said. He continued praising her and said to the men, “Brothers, this is the kind of woman you want–a woman who wants you when you don’t have anything, and sticks with you anyway. You know this woman is NOT with you for what you’ve got.”

Note that this is one reason why some black males believe that a black woman who wants to know whether he has a job or about his income is a goldigger. The males hear a variation of this message in the community too-over and over.

Anyway, I sat there furious in that church and then I began to look at the adult black females of all ages who were listening to that mess. Some of them were nodding in agreement. The young black girls and teenage girls just sat there. I don’t know what they were thinking, but I wanted to yell at them not to listen to any of that crap because that’s exactly how so many of them get stuck with black men who shortchange/mistreat them them and can’t and don’t offer them anything but a baby and a whole bunch of grief after he’s abandoned her and the baby.

In the minister’s case, he turned out okay,(he went on to college and bettered himself) but MOST of the time we know this doesn’t happen.

This is just ONE way that black females are programmed to allow a man to shortchange them or mistreat them. They are TAUGHT to just hang in there with their man--and help him with all of his problems, be patient with him while he works through all of his issues, because that's what a "GOOD" black woman does. She's like a good mommy!

Now doing some of these things for a man is okay, but MANY black women are not savvy when it comes to the subtle nuances, so they don't exactly know when he is taking advantage of them. And many black women, these days (because of that man shortage) just figure they may as well stick with the sour or bad apple they've got since they at least know him vs getting a new bad apple that they don't know.

Also, keep in mind that some black females have very little self esteem because there is another program that eats away at a black female's self-esteem starting at a young age. Many females are still being taught to cater to males because a male is the supposed "head" or the leader. The black church (societal institution) pounds that into all of those little black girls who sit in church. I know this because I still see and hear it happening. Also, all of these programs were tried on me too, since I'm a female, but there's something inside of me that has always fought against internalizing those messages.

Black women need a TOTALLY new and radically different way of thinking if we are going to come out ahead. Otherwise, it'll just be more of the same. You're a man. You probably know nothing of the program, but it's that mindset, created, implemented, and reinforced by the patriarchy, that continues to do women in.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hi Anali-

The problem is that until someone is really ready to hear this, it may not make sense beyond a surface kind of understanding. It will not resonate on a deeper level that can be used to take action.

Yeah - that's the only problem with stuff like this. You can get a bunch of people together and we can all have pretty good opinions, but sadly, the folks that REALLY need to listen, probably won't hear any of us.

Thanks for the comment!

Peace, my Sista'

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey Tickled-

I think this whole concept of having self esteem can also apply to men who get trampled on too. Ive met quite a few so its not just a female phenomenon

I agree totally, I even touched on that in my first post and this one. Guys are not without issue here at all, but all things considered. I have encountered far more women with self esteem issues than men. It is the nature of men and women that causes this - women are more emotionally wired into themselves then men are.

I know older women who have told me the whole "love yourself before you can love anyone else" Is a load of crap.

I couldn't disagree more with this statement. I'm surprised older women would say this - it sounds like something a teeny-bopper that didn't know anything would say. If you don't LOVE yourself and understand your own self worth and establish your own value, then when someone comes along and treats you like 1/10th of what you deserve, you simply won't know the difference. I think that statement goes against every issue I raised in my post.

Thanks for dropping a comment Tickled -

Peace my Sista'

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hello Angel-

Thanks for your comment.

I know childhood trauma can do horrible things to kids, and when they grow up - without professional help or a strong outlet, they tend to remain fairly damaged.

But, what do you think about the women [and men] with fairly sane childhoods that still manage to let people mistreat them in one on one relationships?

Personally, I don't know how to take them. I know a few ladies personally that are like that. Well, at least I THINK they had normal childhoods... hmmm, but I wasn't there.

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

The Thinking Black Man said...


As always My Sista' you're dropping some serious science here!

THE PROGRAM, eh? I've seen this program, but I don't think I've been fully grasping it! That was a PERFECT example you gave. And, I've seen and heard men in these positions talk about how their wives 'stayed through the tough times.' I never thought about it entirely like that!

I have noticed a few things that are very common that devalue women and probably work towards diminishing young womens self esteem, they include...

Advertsing that encourages girls to be 'nurses' when they grow up. There's nothing wrong with being a nurse, but why not tell them to be DOCTORS?

Most Christian church services include The Holy Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I know I'm gonna upset some folks with this, but to me The MOTHER should be in here somewhere. I don't want to get too theological here, but I have always wondered if the role of WOMEN in the bible was deliberately reduced during the Christian Reformation.

Your comment also makes me think about an article I read in CRISIS magazine earlier this year about Christian women that believe the only way to get to heaven is to suffer. They believe and act as if sufferage makes holiness. This suffering can sometimes come in the form of standing by a losing man... [in their opinion] all in the name of the Lord.

Thanks for the comment, Evia-

Niki said...

TBM..thanks for your response. Your're absolutely right! Males and females with semmingly'normal' childhoods still can get caught up in abusive one on one relationships. Im not really sure why that happens either other than guessing that something still may have transpired in their upbringing along the way to squelch their self-esteem and confidence. Also, we're all wired differently and those who may be more compliant and complacent may put others needs and desires before their own and of course it becomes disasterous when the compliant person hooks up with an overpowering and demanding person.

It's interesting as well that other posters have mentioned religion as keeping women down. My family of origin is from the middle east with roots in the muslim religion. Ive lived in the US most of my life thus we've never really practiced the muslim faith, but I do know that the muslim religion regards women as possesions who were created to serve the needs of men. Not to make this into religious discussion, but Ive since accepted Christ in my life and the bible teaches that ALL are equal in God's eyes regardless of gender, race, creed, etc. It's man who takes God's word and twists it for his own means and benifit. Also we don't need to suffer to gain God's love and salvation; according to the bible, He freely gives it to us. Again it's man who uses God's word to his own advantage by not fully disclosing what the bible may say. We as people with minds of our own should not blindly follow others. We need to open our eyes and take back our power.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hi Niki-

I agree 100% with you on that!

I was thinking about the whole influence of childhood on the self esteem of people... more specifically WOMEN. I have a niece, she's 7 and I love her to death. I worry about her becaue her father, my brother, is an @sshole. Being a real father to her ranks about 4th or 5th on his list of priorities. And, her mother, while she's an okay Mom, I just don't think they are providing the foundation of positive self esteem with her. So, when I'm around her and my wife is around her and my parents too, we all try to show her that she is loved, she is precious, and she is worthy of the very best in life.

Now, where did I put that bible... : )

Evia said...

THE PROGRAM, eh? I've seen this program, but I don't think I've been fully grasping it! That was a PERFECT example you gave. And, I've seen and heard men in these positions talk about how their wives 'stayed through the tough times.' I never thought about it entirely like that!

Yeah, TBM. I've done advanced studies in comparative cultures. This PROGRAM is in place in EVERY culture and subculture throughout the world and this is why males dominate throughout the world. There is absolutely no place of any magnitude on earth where women dominate. There is a global patriarchal system in place. This is where the saying, "It's a man's world" comes from.

As I said, I don't know all of the intricate details of how the program operates in every culture or subculture because it manifests itself in different ways in different places, cultures, and socioeconomic groups and time. However, it is clear that without heavy global and societal reinforcement, there would never be this number of white, black, asian, hispanic, middle eastern, and other females with low self-esteem, and the numbers never go down.

The purpose of the program is to keep women in a subservient position so that we can be easily controlled by men so that men can have access to our bodies. LOL!!

I know it sounds bizarre, but it's true. So yes, it's all about sex. Just as sex was/is the underbelly of racism and discrimination(white male fear of black male sexual superiority), sex is also the driving force behind worldwide sexism.

Men CRAVE sex. Women LIKE sex, but I don't think the majority of women crave sex. Most women trade sex for love from men because women (with their programmed low self-esteem) NEED men to validate them.) Think about this. If most women in the world had high self-esteem, we would be on an equal footing with men and wouldn't need men to validate us. It would be a heck of a lot tougher for men to get sex from us. Many heterosexual men would hardly ever get it. Some would NEVER get it. LOL!

So, if the majority of women had high self-esteem, men could never dominate and the world would be totally different.

So men are never going to allow most women to get high self-esteem. The program will always exist. It will change its appearance, but it will never disappear.

Men use many women as well as societal institutions to help them to keep the program in place because men could never do it alone. These women-helpers have been programmed via organized religion and other icons of the culture (and subcultures) to indoctrinate other women to keep women docile and compliant.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Again, you're right Evia -

There is somewhat of a running joke in certain circles of guys - even though we all know it to be true, we say it with a nervous little laugh... but, women possess the powerful force on the planet! Yes, The Vagina.

We all love it, we all want it and we we all do whatever we have to do to get it. Men have launched wars for it; Men have killed for it; Men have stolen for it; Men have lied for it; Men have died for it.

You're right - if women collectively had high self esteem, the world would be a different place!!!

I think that is why I get so pissed off at [women] who allow themselves to be dogged all in the name of [self validating] love. I just want to say - "Hey, you have The Power in the relationship! Leave this clown! Take your jewels and entrust them with a more worthy investment!!!

Thanks Evia!!!

Anonymous said...

My brother, TTBM, speaks the truth in this post.

I can't say it any plainer than that.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey Gunfighter-

YOU know what I'm sayin' Bro-

: )

tickledpinkies said...

Men CRAVE sex. Women LIKE sex, but I don't think the majority of women crave sex.

I crave sex:p

The Thinking Black Man said...


Well - okay then!

That about says it all.

CreoleInDC said...

I'm new and enjoy what I've read thus far as our views on lots of issues are parallel.

HOWEVER...I knew my husband was the one because I did feel complete when I was with him. Before him I was good...with him as my champion...I became GREAT! Seriously. But hey...that's prolly just me. I'm from the country and you know we simple. :)

The Thinking Black Man said...


You used the word "CHAMPION" to describe your husband. In my book - you just used what I call a BONUS WORD!!! If this was a gameshow you would have just won a cruise to Hawaii or something!

As long as you are happy, believe me Sista' I'm happy too!!!

Anonymous said...


Listen up to what this man is saying. Remember this is coming from a MAN. Yes, we should all have self-esteem but this also has to be learned, and it may take many years. Yes, we ladies should stop allowing men to be our priority in life. We need to put ourselves as a prioity. Yes, we should stop being so free with our bodies, sharing our bodies with men who are not married to us, not really "into us" and chooses not to give us any respect. We cannot always blame the black man - we allow ourselves to be disrespected. WAKE UP LADIES!!!!