13 September 2006

You Give Love a Bad Name...

I ran into an acquaintance of mine not too long ago. She didn't look happy.

Not that I am in the best shape of my life, but she had noticeably gained weight. Years ago, when she was married, I remember that she had gained weight towards the end when she was really getting emotionally beaten down. It was then that her husband started neglecting her and he started cheating on her and eventually he left her and their child for a white woman. This acquaintance of mine, bucked up though. She lifted her head up and made incredible strides in improving her health, her professional status and became a super mom! I had a great deal of respect for her accomplishments.

One thing stood out though. She always had this 'hungry' tone in her voice when she spoke about her ex-husband. He did some doggy sh-t to her after he left her, real ignorant, unforgivable stuff. Even after he married the woman he left her for, she still had this weird tone in her voice when she talked about him. I call it 'weird' because frankly it sounded like she still had deep feelings for him. After the terrible things he did to her, it made me uncomfortable to hear the hunger in her voice, when she spoke about him. Okay - okay - enough beating around the bush... I knew she still wanted him, and I knew eventually he was going to be having his cake and eating it too!!! I was right.

Now, she's got what she wants. Homeboy has left his mistress/wife and come back to his sister, even though he hasn’t re-married her. And now, she doesn't look happy. She's gained her weight back and she's done some things that have given him tremendous control over her life. If you ask her why, she shrugs her shoulders and mumbles, "Because, I love him."

I can't begin to tell anyone how angry it makes me when women allow men to do some of the most insensitive, unthoughtful, cruel and self-centered things in the world to them all in the name of LOVE. Now, I know some men are stupid and let women do all kinds of dumb things to them too, and they come moping around talking about, "but I love her..." But, by and by with all things being equal, most guys with a ‘set’ will tolerate but so much BS before telling their women, "Baby, it's over. I'm done with this nonsense!" I've had to do this a couple of times myself and it's not that hard to do once the BS gets knee deep.

From my perspective, Women are the major culprits when it comes to letting yourself get treated like crap all in the name of love. These women give Love a bad name!

Love is not a permission slip for people to treat others like dirt. Love does not give one person a free-pass to treat another person like sh-t. Love is not something someone uses to humiliate and degrade another person. Love is not what someone feels when they lie to you, cheat on you, and manipulate you. Love is not what is going on between you and your man when he comes home smelling like women's perfume and sweat. Love is not what you have when your man would rather be in jail than in your arms. Love is not the time you spend in your man's arms crying after he has finished beating your ass. Love is not your man forgetting to pick you up from the bustop in the rain, while he's playing Madden with his boys. Love is not the baby your man made with the girl down the street when he had that week moment in April.

Is my point clear here?

I think there are significant self-esteem issues here. The old dreaded ‘self esteem’ - the main cause for over eating, sleepless nights, suicide, promiscuity, drug use and any countless number of problems that young women have. And here again, the lack of self-esteem causes some of these women to think they need the so-called ‘love’ of these sorry assed guys in their lives. This whole thing makes me so angry.

"I love him, even though he hits me..."
"I love him, even though he cheats a little..."
"I love him, even though he doesn’t know he loves me..."
"I love him, even though he doesn’t talk to me..."

Nothing would make me happier than to have these women stop allowing men to just run them over with bullshit all in the name of love. Damn-it, these women need to stop blaming Love for their own foolishness. Love is a good thing. Love is respect, commitment, consideration and thoughtfulness. These women that say, "My man treats me bad, but I love him," they are doing nothing more than furthering the favorite mottos of other women:

"...all men are dogs"
"...men don't know how to be faithful."

For the sake of the millions of men OF ALL RACES that know how to treat our women, stop using love as an excuse for not leaving a loser! Stop claiming to love guys that just aren’t worth your time! Stop using love to wash away the fact that your man treats you like a carpet! Just stop giving love a bad name! Find a way to look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I deserve better."



Heavenly Zeta said...

Amen...and thank you for this post. Unfortunately, too many women refuse to believe and internalize this concept: Love should NOT hurt!

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hello, Heavenly Zeta-

Welcome to my blog!

I just don't know why people [especially some women] think pain is a part of love.

It's not like love is a workout and sore muscles equal good results. Love isn't always the easiest thing in the world, but it should never be painful.

Evia said...

TBM,thank for speaking out about this, but many women are socialized to take crap from men because many females are taught in hundreds of subtle to blatant ways that they and their happiness are not as important as a male's.

Black women are also taught to put up with a lot to 'stick by and support your black man' and to 'have a man.' This 'sticking by and support' covers a wide territory.

This sista that you mentioned probably thought she was taking her man back from that hussy white woman, and he probably played on that like a fiddle,--"can't no white woman satisfy me like a sista!" LOL!

It all boils down to the black man 'shortage.'

With the black man 'shortage' lots of black women are just going to allow this to happen to them and nothing is going to stop this unless sistas feel they have an alternative. Most black women see no way out at this point--unless they just accept being alone, share a man, or become lesbians. Most of the women I know either take this mess or are either sharing or they are alone. I don't know any women who have become lesbians, but I hear about them.

I can appreciate that this irks you because it beyond irks me, but can you present some alternatives for these sistas? What "real" choices do these sistas have? Many times, if they refuse to go along, these men will move on to the next woman who will let them do what they want. Black men KNOW that they are in demand!

Many black women are miserable about this situation and this is why some are overeating and trying to escape in other ways.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hi Evia-

I know the 'shortage' of relationship ready Brothers may certainly force some Sista's to devalue their emotions. But for this woman in particular, she was very attractive and had an enjoyable personality and seemingly decent guys were falling over themselves to take her out. Oddly though, after one or two dates with a guy, she'd find a way to 'accidentally mention' to her ex-husband when her next date was, and odder still - he'd manage to be sitting outside her house when the date brought her back. I think she'd tell us that suddenly he wanted to talk about their kid. It didn't help things for the date that her husband was a rather large and imposing brother. She could never figure out why guys would never call her back after meeting the 'ex' late at night on a dark street. So, she brought most of her drama on herself.

Alternatives? Hmmm - I think that will be my next post! My reply got so long, I thought I should just post it.

Anonymous said...

Hey.. just happened to come by your blog. your views are commendable and i must say a lot of these things are happening all around the globe.

how men very easily prove women to be in the wrong and manage to get their ways. these women keep getting weaker and weaker and reach a point where they start thinking that this is what life is and nothing beyond. their only aim in life is to make the 'man' happy so that he does not cause harm to her. i really wonder how we can help these women out of it cause the fact is that these women dont even think they need help and are in so much fear of harm being done to their children that they are ready to bear anything and everything...

Golden Silence said...

Essence just did a story in their October issue on domestic abuse in Prince George's County. It went on about how this area is the "black middle class" and how a lot of the women don't speak up about abuse because of wanting to "keep the black family together" or "keeping up appearances." There was also a side on Yvette Cade (the woman who was set on fire by her abusive husband).

I strongly feel that these women need to want more for themselves. Keeping "the black family" together or worrying about your appearance isn't important...one's life and self-value is.

Angel said...

I came across your site after visiting another blog...very interesting post, but sadly very true. I had just left you a very long comment, but somehow it got lost and I dont remember everything I wrote, but suffice it to say that when we give away our power and our very essence to others, we will no longer have a voice or an opinion. Although, Ive lived in the US most of my life, my background is middle eastern, and because of our culture, my mother catered to my brother and father sending me a message that my wants, desires, needs were not important. My goal in life was to marry and take care of my husband without any regard for myself. I discovered that when you assume the role of a non-person, you will be treated like one. Unfortunately, I married someone who was very emotionally and mentally abusive toward me, but thank God I realized before it was too late and left with my kids. That was 20 yrs ago. Had I not, I would have been committed cause I sure would have gone crazy. Ironically, once I took my power back and stood up for myself, my ex started to treat me with the utmost respect. We of course have maintained contact for the kids sake and are now good friends. (He has since remarried) And no, I havent treated him badly because of what he did to me cause I dont believe in revenge; he's suffered enough by not having me in his life as his wife:-) you can tell I now have a healthy opinion of myself.
We are ALL precious in God's eyes and should never allow others to treat us like we don't matter or count. Obviously Im very passionate about this and pray others will realize that who they are is important and not to allow anyone to tell them otherwise.

Thank you for letting me express my thoughts.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hello Golden Silence,

Yeah - nothing causes more drama than trying to keep up appearances and deny that the drama exists at all!

I guess it's like a rash. If you don't treat it, it only gets worse.

Thanks for the comment!

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hello Angel-

Thank you for leaving a comment-

I'm so glad that your self esteem is now so strong. I think some people never reach that point! I think some people just go through life and go through the motions just being someone elses number two or three or lower.

I look forward to more of your comments in the future - please feel free to share whatever you desire!


Katherine said...

Thank you for speaking on this. I had a black man leave me for a white woman and I can't even describe the toll it took on my self esteem. Somehow his leaving me for a white woman degraded and belittled me beyond anything I had ever experienced in a relationship. Sadly I'm still bitter about it and it has made me look at all black men with suspicion and distrust. I want to let it go and move on but I just don't know how. I've heard one too many black man degrade a black woman and hold white women up as the superior alternative. TTBM, how do I let this go?