20 July 2006

The State of the Game...

The title of this entry has been floating around in my head for months and for one reason or another, I avoided writing about it. But, two conversations I just had (back-to-back) have forced me to vent [again].

What I'm about to say is NOT a knock on good guys. It's not intended to generalize men, or even the majority of men - it is meant to cast a furrowed brow on bums, scrubs and losers.

Let me put down a few definitions before I get started:

GAME - (noun) the strategic element that bonds and binds men and women in emotional and physical relationships, "The GAME of love should only be played by willing participants."

GAME - (noun) a skill or talent possessed by either a man or a woman that makes him or her desirable, attractive, believable, appealing and/or interesting to someone of the opposite sex, "All of the women love Johnny because his GAME is together."

Okay, now that I've pointed out my two interpretations of the word GAME, let me give The STATE OF THE GAME.

"The game is in bad shape." There, you have it.

Let me explain. I was just told two stories within 30 minutes of each other, and I've heard a lot of stuff lately - but these two have dropped my jaw. The names will be changed to protect the innocent...

I have a friend named, Paula - and she recently traveled to the west coast for a few days on vacation. While there, she met a Brother named James. He took her our for dinner one night and things were okay at first, then he decided to start telling her that he wants to fall in love with her and she's such a special woman. She saw that his GAME was transparent so she went along for a few minutes. He tried to convince her to come back to his house so they could 'discuss' their loving future. She told him that their love would flourish better if they waited. Needless to say she came on back home to DC a day or so later. He called her the day after she arrived and started telling her that DC was the kind of town he wanted to relocate to. Then he hinted at moving in with her and proceeded to tell her that this 'big check' he deposited in the bank wouldn't clear for a few days and his car note was due. She quickly told him that he'd be okay, and his exact quote was, "So you ain't even trying to offer a brother anything." She said no and he proceeded to tell her that it would help him out a lot if she'd run down to the Western Union and just send him $100. She basically hung up on him. How lame is this guy? I mean really - he just met her a few days earlier and now he's BS'ing her about moving to DC, and falling in love - as long as she can loan him $100. Guys with ZERO 'game' tend to shoot themselves in the foot with their own stupidity. He's trying to present himself in a way that might get him some sex, but at the same time he's showing that he is a broke, begging, busted, bum! Why even insult a woman's intelligence like that. What he's telling her is, "You're not smart enough to realize that I'm playing you for a naive fool that will open both your pocketbook and your legs to my lame rap."

Now for the second story, there is a woman named Renita, who for years gave men a hard time. She always said that God would send her a man when he was ready for her to have one. (Note: women, if you happen to pray for a man, make sure you ask for a GOOD man) So, she meets this guy, an African fellow that has no job and for some reason she believes that he is The One. They get married and homeboy develops this big dollar mindset when it comes to his spending. As the debt starts to build, he gets a job in Newark, NJ. So he spend his weekdays and nights in New Jersey and comes home on Friday for the weekend. Well, this goes on for awhile and then Renita gets a little suspicious of her man. It is soon discovered that her husband has a girlfriend/lover up in Newark that keeps him company when he's away from home. So, they are now set up for divorce proceedings. My thing with this is not so much him being a low down dirty dog, it is her overlooking the obvious trouble signs. Now, I know sometimes folks lose their jobs, but as a man - if I can't take care of my own business, my bills, my money and my living space, then the LAST thing I should be doing is trying to start a relationship with someone. I just think a man has to be able to step up and be accountable and responsible and... uh, GAINFULLY EMPLOYED!!!! So, my issue here is with HER, if this guy came to her empty handed, then he was showing her what he had to offer. NOTHING!!! The cheating issue is not to be overlooked by the way, but I think its a by product of this guy not taking Renita seriously enough in the beginning of their relationship. Ladies, please keep this in mind, don't be so quick to rush into the arms of a man bringing Champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Look deep at the game before you leap into the ring!



Evia said...

Unfortunately, this happens all too often and it happens because the word has been out for a while now about "the DESPERATE African American women in search of a black man." Everyone knows that deperate people are easy to con.

Sadly an employed AA women is now viewed as a mealticket, a steady source of income for some black men. She has become like a job that produces a reliable steady source of money with free sex and several other plum fringe benefits to many of these brothas.

This is one of the reasons why I strongly advocate that black women widen their dating pool by dating interracially and intraracially. See my blog at www.bfinterracialmarriage.blogspot.com

Many African-American men, African men and some white and other men are undoubtedly also using and abusing sistas in a similar manner as these two guys, but at least with a greater number of men of all types in the dating pool, there is a much greater chance that a sista can find a decent man.

Sistas, wake up!!

Ruminations of a Racial Realist said...

Interesting but depressing stories! 1. it's sad that SO MANY men seem to fall into the category of loser/user and 2. worrying that that significant numbers of women seem to fall for men who are OBVIOUSLY losers/ users - more women need to follow the example of the friend in your first example. I was having a conversation about men with my mother recently and she was remarking that she feels that it's challenging for women of all races to find good quality men...yeah - a good man is hard to find!

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey Eva
I checked your blog out this past e arweekend, very nice and very interesting!

These two guys are the justification for Sista's being willing to broaden their dating horizons. I was embarrased as a Black man because of this kind of non-sense! The worse part though, is that there are some women that will be tolerant of this stuff. Un-freakin-believable!

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey Clare-
My friend in the first story actually had a lot more unbelievable stuff to say about this guy. I really paraphrased it!

When scrubs do these kinds of things, I tell women, it's like 'carpet bombing' in warfare. If you drop 1000 bombs near your target, the law of averages will assure you at least one hit - and the target is destroyed. So, if these guys pull this stunt on 6 or 7 women, that old law of averages kicks in again and assures him at least woman that will buy into his scheme.

Anonymous said...

Try this on for size - life is not much different on the "other" side for gay men. All of the dating sites, etc., are full of stories like this for black men looking to date other black men. The ads say things like "step correct" "have a job" "have a car" "don't call me if you taking the bus..." The expectation appears to be that the Black Man just isn't going to show up in a way that's mature and respectful. What does this say about the state of Black Men - regardless of orientation - and the ability to form and keep honest, healthy relationships? I'm afraid I don't know - my ex-partner of 23 years was white as is the man I'm seeing now...and it's not for want of looking, I assure you.

The Thinking Black Man said...

My wife told me that when her and her girlfriends would date guys, they would demand all of "JACK" or at least 3/4 of "JACK."

JACK stood for JOB; APARTMENT [or house]; CAR; [no] KIDS. I guess I never thought about that standard holding true for guys too.

Now I'm enlightened! Thanks!

Evia said...


TY for your words re my blog. I obviously find your blog interesting too.

My wife told me that when her and her girlfriends would date guys, they would demand all of "JACK" or at least 3/4 of "JACK."

JACK stood for JOB; APARTMENT [or house]; CAR; [no] KIDS. I guess I never thought about that standard holding true for guys too.

LOL @ JACK. Once upon a time when I was dating, my girlfiends and I just wanted a BMW (Black Man Working). Your wife and her friends moved it up quite a few notches!

The Thinking Black Man said...

You've got me cracking up here, Evia! I'm sure she'll get a big laugh too!

Seaniemo said...

My brother,

Here I am trying to get my newest system together and I decided to check you out and BAM I come across this post. I could not help but to think about this post I wrote in Decenber of 2004 titled

Playaism 101

I came under a little heat for telling the truth but it needed to be said. I am feeling you brother.

Many blessings.

Sean M. Crawford Sr. said...

My brother,

I am so feeling what you have to say about the game today. Kind of reminds me of my post Playaism 101. I came under some heat but it needs to be said. Brother I applaud what you are doing.

Many blessings

The Thinking Black Man said...

To quote SEANIEMO...

"We have glorified PLAYAism for far too long and look at what it caused:

1. Fatherless children
2. Disease spreading
3. Babies having babies
4. Woman who have been hurt
And a generation of young black men who will ultimately go through life never knowing what being a man really means and is.

I will say I am a PLAYA but not for the same things the definition has. I am a PLAYA for life…My wife, my children, my extended families, and my close friends. Being a PLAYA to me is knowing how to adapt to your environment without losing who you are in the process."

Man-I read your Playaism 101 and I loved it! Absolutely loved it! (I'm gonna go back and check out the rest very shortly!) You are so right in how you explained it. So many guys think they are running things and the world is revolving around them, and these are usually the guys that in truth don't even have a clue.

The GAME is way deeper that they would even imagine.

Take it easy - please check in again!

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey Sean-

Man, I'm humbled by your insight!

I'm definately hitting you sight to check out some more!

Peace Bro-

Ann said...


"What he's telling her is, "You're not smart enough to realize that I'm playing you for a naive fool that will open both your pocketbook and your legs to my lame rap."

Hey, TTBM, since these women are "opening up both their pocketbooks and their legs" to all these men, what do you think of my proposal that all single black women out there take a vow of celibacy for the next 10 years.

Provided that there can be an agreeable concensus of black women on a sex moratorium for 10 years, would you be amendable to that idea?

I am sure that many men would either straighten up and fly right, commit suicide or finally start treating black women like human beings.

But, I guess if I was running things, it wouldn't be a 10 year moratorium.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on this proposal to the black women of America?

The Thinking Black Man said...

Hey there Ann,

I meant to comment on this idea the last time you suggested it.

Hmmm, where do I stand? WOW - 10 years, huh.

I think the Brothers would be rioting in the street without sex for 10 years!!! You Sister's think Down Low borthers are a problem now... you cut'em off for 10 years - and a lot won't even come back. (That's so funny and sad and true... all at the same time!)

I don't think i could go for a moritorium, but I can say - if all women truly realized the power of what you all have, and I mean THE TRUE POWER, guys [and not just Brothers!] would have to step up to the plate correctly. Guys with lame rap, nothing going on and nothing to offer except a lot of BS, they'd have to come correct if all women truly knew the power they possess. But, sadly many don't. Thus, scrubs stand a decent chance with a good portion of the fairer sex... did I say sex?

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Anonymous said...

Hello. Prompt how to get acquainted with the girl it to me to like. But does not know about it
I have read through one history
Each of you has your personal story; it is your history. Keeping a diary or writing your feelings in a special notebook is a wonderful way to learn how to think and write about who you are -- to develop your own identity and voice.

People of all ages are able to do this. Your own history is special because of your circumstances: your cultural, racial, religious or ethnic background. Your story is also part of human history, a part of the story of the dignity and worth of all human beings. By putting opinions and thoughts into words, you, too, can give voice to your inner self and strivings.

A long entry by Anne Frank on April 5, 1944, written after more than a year and a half of hiding from the Nazis, describes the range of emotions 14-year-old Anne is experiencing:

". . . but the moment I was alone I knew I was going to cry my eyes out. I slid to the floor in my nightgown and began by saying my prayers, very fervently. Then I drew my knees to my chest, lay my head on my arms and cried, all huddled up on the bare floor. A loud sob brought me back down to earth, and I choked back my tears, since I didn't want anyone next door to hear me . . .

"And now it's really over. I finally realized that I must do my school work to keep from being ignorant, to get on in life, to become a journalist, because that's what I want! I know I can write. A few of my stories are good, my descriptions of the Secret Annex are humorous, much of my diary is vivid and alive, but . . . it remains to be seen whether I really have talent . . .

"When I write I can shake off all my cares. My sorrow disappears, my spirits are revived! But, and that's a big question, will I ever be able to write something great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer? I hope so, oh, I hope so very much, because writing allows me to record everything, all my thoughts, ideals and fantasies.

"I haven't worked on Cady's Life for ages. In my mind I've worked out exactly what happens next, but the story doesn't seem to be coming along very well. I might never finish it, and it'll wind up in the wastepaper basket or the stove. That's a horrible thought, but then I say to myself, "At the age of 14 and with so little experience, you can't write about philosophy.' So onward and upward, with renewed spirits. It'll all work out, because I'm determined to write! Yours, Anne M. Frank

For those of you interested in reading some of Anne Frank's first stories and essays, including a version of Cady's Life, see Tales From the Secret Annex (Doubleday, 1996). Next: Reviewing and revising your writing

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