01 July 2006

Black Women dating other races...


A few entries ago, I posted a comment on Black Men and White Women. I receieved some really good feedback from several women. (Thanks Ladies for reading my blog!!!)

One woman, a Black Woman mentioned how tough the dating scene had gotten - sticking with just The Brothers. She mentioned that she and her girlfriends of color are considering broadening their dating horizons and accepting the invitations of men outside the Black race.

How do I feel about this? Hmmm...

Well, I still stand firm behind my opinion - I do not like people to devalue their own race because of inbred stereotypes and run to the arms of other races because they think others are better because of skin color, eye color or hair type.

But, when it comes to Sista's accepting dates from men of other races. I have to say, "I understand..."

When I was a single guy, 7 or 8 years ago and I heard Black Women saying that they were thinking about going out with white guys or Latinos or Italians or whatever. I was pissed! I'm not even going to lie. I was pissed! But, I honestly think that was caused by ego. I guess I figured... "Hey, I'm a single, straight, intelligent and gainfully employed Black Man. What's wrong with me?" But it took me and my little ego some time to realize that it wasn't about Trina or Shelly not wanting to date ME per se - it was about decent Sista's just being tired of some of the bullshit that some of these Brother's were dishing out on the dating scene.

By working with countless Black women, and being fairly easy to talk too, I had heard a million stories about Brothers trying to run games on the Sista's. Of course not all Brothers try and run game, but unfortunately a lot do.

I think so many guys are allowed to get away with the lies and the bullshit that that is all they know how to bring to the table. So, when I hear about Black Women willing to go out with men of other races, I understand that it comes down to happiness and respect. Now keep in mind that these women aren't saying "Oh, I'll never date another Black Man because ALL Black Men are dogs!" What they are saying is "If Todd or Hector or Sergei calls me up and invites me out for drinks or dinner - I'M GOING TO SAY YES."

What does this mean for the Brothers?

It means that the single Brothers out on the dating scene need to treat our Black Women better. I'm not saying Brothers have to run down the isle after dating for three weeks, but they have to represent all of us better. Playing a whole bunch of games and doing a lot of underhanded disrespectful crap is only going to drive our women into the arms of the blue eyed masses.

What does this mean for the Sista's?
Never settle for less than you deserve - from within or without your race.

TTBM


10 comments:

Ann said...

Thinking Black Man:

"Never settle for less than you deserve---within or without your race."

I agree with you. All I ask is that a man treat me like a decent human being, the same way that he should want to be treated.

For the last 30 years of my life (52-years old, and I am still told by people that I look between 35-40 years of age), I have struggled to overcome not only my fear of white men, but, black men as well.

With the inhumane legacy of white men's rape, sexual abuse, impregnation and abandonment of black women and with the "bitch"- "ho" mentality and treatment from some black men, it is practically impossible for many black women to trust any man.

I know I can only speak for myself.

I was abused by a black man. He was the first man I was intimate with.
He also was the last.

That was 30 years ago.

I could have gone out of my way to use and abuse men the way this man did me. But, why should I? How would two wrongs make a right?

And what with the way white society portrays black women as born "whores" and "sluts" (a carryover from white men saying over and over that black women were promiscious, to assuage their guilt over raping so many of us in the past), I find it extremely impossible to trust white men.

On the other hand, I definately believe that black women more than anything deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, not just from black men, but all men.

Black women as a race, have survived evils that would have destroyed lesser women. And as a result of all that we have survived, this whole country should be proud of us.

Having to be put into the position of being the breadwinner, because the white man refused to allow black men to work at decent jobs; having to hold our families together against jim crow segregation violence; having to see so many men of our families and race destroyed by lynch mobs; always faithfully "having the black man's back" when white society was grinding him down.

All of that and more.

For what?

Only in this day and age to be treated worse than a dog by some black men? I swear, there are some black men in America who are trying to "out-white" the white man in their callous, disregard for black women.

And what have so many black women done to deserve to be treated so hatefully? Stand up for the black man? Always be there for him no matter how rough the times got? Always give him encouragement that things will be better? Always in his corner no matter what?

I can assure you, many black women are "sick and tired of being sick and tired". We have a right to happiness just like any other woman.

And many black women are starting to overcome their fears of white men. (And their fears of Latino, Hispanic, Asian, etc., men). Yes, we have every right to fear and distrust white men.

And why not? Those of their race who are guilty of it, raped our great-grandmothers, our grandmothers and in some cases, our mothers. So that fear of: "Is he (white man of 2006) looking at me as a human being? Is he only in it for the sex?", is very prevalent with many black women.

We just don't all come out and say it.

Now some black men out there are hating on black women like it was going out of style. Women who have stayed by their side all these centuries and decades, and now we are being thrown to the side, into the garbage dumpster like so much trash.

If a black woman wishes to date/marry outside of her race, and the man, no matter what his race is, treats her the way God intended for all men to treat a woman, like the precious "gift" that she is to a man, then I say go for it.

You only pass through this way once, so if a "man", not some cheap-jack imitation of the real thing, if a man looks your way, and will treat you with the utmost love, go for it black woman.

Don't let your whole life slip away and you find yourself completely alone because of what someone else tries to dictate to you what you can or cannot do.

It is your life. Live it to its fullest.

Just make sure that whomever that man is you take into your life, he better damn well treat you right.

You are a black woman, and if any race of women in this world have more than earned the right to living the life abundantly, it is us.

Anonymous said...

I think this is an interesting post.

The incarceration rate also has something to do with this. If the criminal justice system did not increase the incarceration rate of "black" men so much, then there would be more African-American men for African-American women to date. Nonetheless, running games are likely to reflect the internalization of white racist patriarchy among African-American men.

Ruminations of a Racial Realist said...

It's good to hear a black man say that he understands. I have been thinking a lot about this topic lately in my own blog posts and I do think that the black woman/ white man situation is TOTALLY different from the black man/ white woman situation...in fact a few days ago I had an email conversation with a black woman author on black relationsips who on one hand feels that it's wrong for black men to date outside the race, yet feels it's ok for black women to date outside the race - I suspect that this is the view that I will come to after I've done some more reading. lol. That said, I think that I personally would only be suited to a black man; for black women that feel they could make it work with a white man, I say good luck to them.

Coco Stasia said...

THANK YOU! I couldn't have said it better myself.

Evia said...

I have dated and had romantic relationships with 3 groups of men mainly: African-American, African, and white. My first marriage was to a Black (Nigerian) man, but when I re-married, I married a white guy.
See my blog at:

http://www.bfinterracialmarriage.blogspot.com

Prior to dating and marrying my current husband, I dated one African-American man for a year. I thought that our loving relationship would lead to marriage. It didn't because though the claimed he loved me and though he claimed he wanted us to always be together, he couldn't understand why we should get married. He, instead, just wanted to "shack up." He wanted all the benefits of marriage without the piece of paper and kept accusing me of being "old-fashioned" for wanting to make it legal.


In the course of my dating experiences and from observing the relationships of others, I have come to some conclusions about these 3 groups of men, I found that both African men and white men "know" that IF the relationship works out, then the next step will be marriage. That's logical to them. However, MANY African-American men are very resistant to getting married and may want the woman but don't want to legally commit.

My thing is that if a man loves a woman, he will want to commit to her in every way possible and will do so. Other than that, he is using her.

Evia said...

When I re-married, I married a white man. See my blog at

http://www.bfinterracialmarriage.blogspot.com

I have dated and had romantic relationships mainly with 3 groups of men:African-American, African, and white. Earlier in my life, I dated several Africans and my first marriage was to a Nigerian man. I had a very satisfying, positive marriage with him and when our differing life goals forced us to divorce, I want to re-marry.

When I started dating again, I dated all 3 groups again, but mainly African-American and white men. Both African men and white men understand that if the relationship is working out well, then marriage is the next step. However, I found that African-American men are very resistant to marriage. In my experience and from other relationships I've observed, they tend to want all the perks of marriage, but don't want to make a legal commitment.

Before meeting and marrying my current husband, I was in a year long relationship with an AA guy who claimed he loved me and claimed that he wanted us to be together forever, but kept accusing me of being "old-fashioned because I wanted to get married."

I think that if a man loves a woman and is truly emotionally committed to her, he will want to make a committment in every way possible, and it's not in a woman's best interests to settle for less.

Evia said...

When I re-married, I married a white man. See my blog at

http://www.bfinterracialmarriage.blogspot.com

I have dated and had romantic relationships mainly with 3 groups of men:African-American, African, and white. Earlier in my life, I dated several Africans and my first marriage was to a Nigerian man. I had a very satisfying, positive marriage with him and when our differing life goals forced us to divorce, I want to re-marry.

When I started dating again, I dated all 3 groups again, but mainly African-American and white men. Both African men and white men understand that if the relationship is working out well, then marriage is the next step. However, I found that African-American men are very resistant to marriage. In my experience and from other relationships I've observed, they tend to want all the perks of marriage, but don't want to make a legal commitment.

Before meeting and marrying my current husband, I was in a year long relationship with an AA guy who claimed he loved me and claimed that he wanted us to be together forever, but kept accusing me of being "old-fashioned because I wanted to get married."

I think that if a man loves a woman and is truly emotionally committed to her, he will want to make a committment in every way possible, and it's not in a woman's best interests to settle for less.

The Thinking Black Man said...

Thank you all Ladies for your comments! I appreciate you all taking the time to visit The Thinking Black Man, and I'm humbled by, and appreciative of, the thoughts you've shared. From now on, I will be personally responding to each individual comment left on my blog. Your comments are important to me and I want to make sure I'm respectful to my fellow bloggers!

Thanks again!

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